Home - Denise Hughes Author Speaker Money Coach

Download the Quiz.

Talking about money? I must say this is an art and a bit of a science too. Talking about money in a way that is good for both my husband and I took time, patience, practice, and stick-to-it-iveness. I find in working with couples, talking about money in a way that feels good and is solutions driven is the biggest challenge as well.

WHY IS TALKING ABOUT MONEY SO HARD?

For starters, it isn’t a habit. In the pie chart of life, most couples haven’t created a slice of pie for talking about money. Money conversations usually get fit in at the end of a day, when we have the least amount of energy to connect over it or when some financial crisis or unexpected event happens. Then we scurry to talk about finding solutions to money problems.

We come from a reactive space rather than a responsive space. Over time, our nervous system gets conditioned so that talking about money is stressful, our blood pressure increases, our stomach gets tied in knots and we will avoid talking to avoid this stress.

We have to be careful to not blame or shame our partner, which ends up in a stuck conversation. Here are some tips that work for us:

TIPS FOR WOMEN WHEN COMMUNICATING WITH MEN ABOUT MONEY

• Keep emotion out of the conversation. Emotion can overwhelm your man and the focus of the meeting can get derailed.
• Instead of money meeting, think household business meeting
• Cut to the chase, make the point, move on. Here is a really great 1 minute video on the differences of how men and women process things. Women are more into details, men are not. Click HERE to view. One of my husband’s favorite phrases that tells me he is checking out of our conversation, is “TMI, which is his code for too much information.”
• Keep an agenda, stick to it, minimize tangents. While a woman’s brain likes to connect the dots (bigger corpus callosum), a man’s brain likes to stick to one topic at a time. Click HERE for a humorous video on the difference between men and women’s brains.
• Focus on the solution, not so much on processing the problem. Understand that men like to communicate to fix or problem solve.
• Feel your feelings but don’t act your feelings out on him

TIPS FOR MEN WHEN COMMUNICATING WITH WOMEN ABOUT MONEY

• Be mindful of your body language and tone of voice, women pick up energy and emotion quickly and interpret your non-verbal communication regardless of the words you are saying.
• Before you jump into fixing any problem, ask her what she needs from you. Ask her how she FEELS about what is going on. Don’t fix, solve or jump to an outcome. Just listen.
• Ask if she wants solutions before you give them.
• Understand that women communicate to “connect.” Give her space and time to connect with you. Don’t rush communication.
• Repeat back (in your own words) what you hear your partner saying. Help her to feel heard and understood by you.
• Creating space to talk about the problem first reduces stress levels in women. Give space for this, then move on to finding solutions together.

 

WHAT MEN + WOMEN NEED FROM EACH OTHER

• Understand your partner’s point of view rather than defending your position. Here is a communication tool when a disagreement occurs. Say to your partner, “I’m not sure I see your point of view, however, I want to better understand your thinking on this and how you think it will work.
• Consider the needs and safety of your partner equal to the consideration you give yourself.

A book I highly recommend is WHY MARS and VENUS COLLIDE, by Dr. John Gray, Ph.D. John does a great job of explaining the science, differences between men and women’s brains, and how we can bridge brain wiring gaps in talking about money.

MONEY CONFLICTS

Have you ever wondered what the cost is to not being on the same page with your partner financially? In my own marriage, it not only cost us actual dollars…we paid quite a sum for the wedge our differing money attitudes created in our relationship.

There was added stress about the practical worries of living paycheck to paycheck, growing credit card debt, not being able to save money and knowing this path we were on could not sustain us for the long-term.

I wish we would have reached out for help sooner rather than later (it’s a life lesson for me to ask for help) because we could have saved ourselves and our relationship un-necessary stress. Live and learn!

I want to share with you a brain dump I put together of the true cost of money conflicts. See if you relate to any of these. Would love to hear your feedback.

THE TRUE COST OF MONEY CONFLICTS

1. Feeling out of control financially
2. Heavy burden and loss of freedom from credit card debt
3. Pressure to work more to earn more
4. Stressful communication dynamics and tension
5. Fear and insecurity about the future
6. Stress related health problems
7. Emotional and spiritual depletion
8. Worry and financial pre-occupation
9. Lost dreams and and unrealized goals from not working together as a team
10. Despair, hopelessness, grief over lost dreams

The cost of money conflicts is a price beyond measure. I know, I experienced every one of these symptoms until my husband and I opened ourselves to help that turned our lives around. One of my favorite quotes is from Anais Nin. She says, ” And the day came when the pain to remain the same was greater than the risk to change.”

It is important for you to know that most likely, deep down, you both want the same thing. What keeps you from being on the same page? Is it lack of a common vision? An inability to communicate in an effective solution-focused way?  Lack of clarity about your numbers? Challenges preventing you from creating time and space to manage your finances? Living in blind-spots of limiting money beliefs? What is it for you that is creating money conflicts?

COUPLES AND MONEY

Making money work in marriage is difficult for couples. Most of us aren’t prepared going into marriage, with the know how to bridge differing money attitudes with our partner. We may not know how to negotiate or prioritize expenses, apply basic financial principles to our lives, or work as a united financial team. No wonder so many couples experience money conflicts. Here are some things that helped us.

Money-Skill Sets For Marital Harmony

1. Gaining CLARITY in every aspect of your financial picture. This means being willing to “look” at what is. After all, your numbers are merely a reflection of the behaviors you bring to your financial life as a couple. So, “looking” at your numbers is going to help you “see” what behaviors are behind those numbers. Stepping into clarity is an act of courage and a reclaiming of your personal financial power. It really is hard to change your financial picture when your financial numbers are fuzzy and you aren’t sure where you stand. Fuzzy numbers don’t guide you to the best choices for your particular situation.

2. TALK about money as a couple (as much as you talk about other things). Set aside time each week to problem solve your money puzzles that come up. Weekly check-in’s are a must when it comes to knowing where you stand in comparison to income available and expenses requiring your attention.

3. TACKLE limiting money beliefs or mindsets that do not move you forward to your highest goal. Sometimes, the symptoms of a limiting money mindset comes out in these ways: over spending, impulse purchases, under-earning, not being able to save while earning, hoarding money and basically behaviors that create distance between you and your money! If there is a gap between what you desire your money picture to look like and what it actually is, the odds are a limiting belief is present.

4. RECONCILING DIFFERENT VALUES is a must. Both of you need to be on the same page and share a vision of what you want to accomplish in your financial life. Maybe this is creating a solid foundation for your family which leverages you to build wealth. It is important to verbalize your thoughts about what you want to create, agree on a mutual vision and then take action toward your vision.

Couples and Money-Biggest Reasons To Be in Alignment

• Money is the biggest stressor in the lives of couples in America!
• You can build wealth twice as fast with the help of a partner who is on the same page as you
• You can role model healthy money behaviors to your children and leave them a healthier legacy than the one you received as a couple
• Alignment brings with it the energy of peace, control, focus, security and FUN! Don’t you want the foundation of your home to be harmonious?
• You will receive and experience increased FREEDOM from being in alignment
• You can give more and help influence the planet or your causes to grow in positive ways

Couples and Money-Resource Books

Couples and Money by Victoria Collins, Love and Money by Jeff Opdyke and For Richer or Poorer by Ruth Hayden

Couples and Money-Homework:

Implement one of the above skill sets in order to breathe new life into your personal financial picture!

Couples and Money-Question:

What is one behavior YOU can change to bring you and your partner into financial alignment starting today?